One of my dearest & closest friends is going through something that I have only recently overcome myself. Overcome? Moved past? Hmmm... not sure either of those are truly accurate. I think perhaps I'm just now in a different phase of it, because I'm not so sure it will ever end. Either way... seeing her suffering & reading her thoughts in her blog hurts me because I understand so well & hate that she is there now. At the same time, I almost think it is a good thing for me to see this. It's a reminder. And one I so desperately need right now.

It is ok for me to forgive you for all that happened, all that was said, all that was done & hidden. Forgiveness must happen if we are ever to move forward... be it together or separate... but I cannot allow myself to forget how I felt. Some part of me MUST hold on to that memory because that is what propels me forward & pushes me to become the person I am becoming. And that is what reminds me that I cannot & will not allow you or anyone else to ever break me like that again.

Is it ok for me to really be considering a life with you again? Is it ok for me to be letting my mind wander back into that fairy tale fantasy? I'm so fucking nervous about our meeting today. I want to see you. I am happy & so anxious to just see you & talk to you & be able to look into your eyes. But I am also so nervous & afraid of what will be said. Will I get the answers I want, or just be left with more questions? Again.

I just want all of this to be over with. I'm tired of living my life in limbo. I need to either more forward WITH you or let you go for good & move forward on my own. Period.

I hate to see you hurt like this. You of all people. Not really sure why that is. Never the less, I really hate knowing that you're hurting. And believe me, I know how you hurt. I know the anger & the confusion & the loneliness. I know the feeling of absolute certainty that you will never feel that way about anyone else again. I wish I could tell you that you will get over it & that there is someone else for you, but I am most definitely the wrong person for that job.

I would give anything to be able to fix all of this for you & give you back your husband... the one you actually wanted, not the one who walked out the door. But I can't do that. I really can't do much. All I can do is tell you that I truly understand all the fucked up emotions you're going through. I can also go do ridiculous things with you... skee ball, movies, finding new bars... whatever you want. In fact, I'm beginning to realize more & more that you're not the only one who needs these distractions. Getting out is good for me too.

Process/shun

Daydreams of sunshine shimmer to fade
Find me drifting on clouds made of ash
And lost love
Awake to a new dream; summer lost
Meadows glisten with tears of cats
Diamonds turn gray and meaningless
Breeze begins to cool
Leaves begin to fade
Bring the music... Bring the dust
Circle and stomp
The anticipation drains us
Colder now
Darker now
This is how the light finds me
Life finds me
Spinning through freezing
Flying through darkness
Returning to the beginning
It's time to start... again

Oh I have so much to say... Only not just yet.

Soon. Very soon.

Yep, that fits perfectly

"The Layers"


I have walked through many lives,
some of them my own,
and I am not who I was,
though some principle of being
abides, from which I struggle
not to stray.
When I look behind,
as I am compelled to look
before I can gather strength
to proceed on my journey,
I see the milestones dwindling
toward the horizon
and the slow fires trailing
from the abandoned camp_sites,
over which scavenger angels
wheel on heavy wings.
Oh, I have made myself a tribe
out of my true affections,
and my tribe is scattered!
How shall the heart be reconciled
to its feast of losses?
In a rising wind
the manic dust of my friends,
those who fell along the way,
bitterly stings my face.
Yet I turn, I turn,
exulting somewhat,
with my will intact to go
wherever I need to go,
and every stone on the road
precious to me.
In my darkest night,
when the moon was covered
and I roamed through wreckage,
a nimbus-clouded voice
directed me:
"Live in the layers,
not on the litter."
Though I lack the art
to decipher it,
no doubt the next chapter
in my book of transformations
is already written.
I am not done with my changes.

~Stanley Kunitz

Attention People in Bands....

I just gotta throw this out there because, dammit... I'm really annoyed right now. And I said this wasn't going to be the purpose of this blog (to rant), but apparently some people are stupid & the word needs to get around!

We all know I love live music & supporting my local scene & bands need to practice & god knows I encourage my boys to play their guitars whenever they can... but there is such thing as common sense & courtesy. In other words... if you're in a band & you don't have adequate practice space & therefore you do things like practice out of your home... just have a little respect. That's all I'm asking.

Don't practice with your amps cranked as high as they'll go at 10:30 at night, especially on a Sunday. Especially when you know your neighbours on either side of you have regular M-F, 8-5 jobs AND there's a kid trying to sleep so he can get up for school in the morning.

And when I try to knock on your door to tell you it's too loud & you don't answer so I end up calling the damn cops... don't act like I'm a bitch. I'm not a bitch, you're just stupid! Get over it & learn a little respect. Or better yet... each of you can pitch in a couple bucks & rent space at Music Lab. It's fucking cheap. Look it up.

enraptured
enchanted
enthralled
intoxicated
addicted

...all good words...

Kinda like a Pixies song

Where is my mind? What’s going on here?
It seems like only yesterday I was fine.
I woke up & realized that I was ok. That I was at peace.
Finally.
Where did you come from?
Out of the blue you’ve taken over.
My every thought is wrapped around your name.
What have you done to me?
Just all of a sudden… out of nowhere…
One day I knew nothing.
I was blissfully happy & ignorant
And now… now I just can’t seem to turn away from you.
Now I close my eyes & you’re what I see.
I open my mouth & your name comes out.
What is this?
How did I get here?
Where is my mind?

God, I hate being a girl.
I hate my ovaries.
I hate my hormones.
And I hate my body.

:(

So...

...that was nice...

:)

What I want...

1. A carrot cake cupcake from Quack's - I know it's not a life changing thing, but I am obsessed with wanting one right now. I have actually told select friends in the past that these carrot cakes = love & if they want to make me the happiest little girl on the face of the planet all they have to do is show up randomly at my door with one in hand & they will be adored. To date this has actually happened only once. Debra is adored.

2. A new bike - been riding around on Tristen's the last couple of days (sorry Tristen, but it's here & I wanted to ride!) & I miss mine. Would be nice to have one that fits me right for a change. Perhaps I'll fork out the cash to do it right when I get my tax return.

3. A fucking bra that doesn't make me want to scream - I know, I know... keep dreaming.

4. A car - this will happen within the next few weeks, actually... then I have to get my driver's license. That's the tough part. Grrr. Gotta take that stupid hot check class to clear my warrant, then get comfortable behind the wheel again so I can take the test. It's been 8.5 years now since I've driven!

5. A kinda-sorta boyfriend-ish type thing - hmmm... this one is much more difficult to define or explain. Mostly because the simple fact is, I know I'm not really ready for that. I'm not over Brian. I don't know if I ever will be. And I know for a fact that I am not ready for physical intimacy with anyone yet. What I do know is that I miss having someone to be emotionally & spiritually close with. Someone to hang out with, form a bond with, perhaps even cuddle up & watch stupid movies with. Would be nice... but probably impossible. Shut up, right? Ok... shutting up.

6. School - so help me god I have to get back in school or at least know when I'll actually be able to by February. I can't do this anymore. If I'm not going back to Cosmetology School then I need to figure out who at St. Ed's I need to beg & plead with in order to be allowed back into school there. I feel like I am becoming more & more ignorant by the minute & if I wait much longer I'll never be able to finish.


Ok... that's enough for now. Of course, there's much more I want... but these are the things weighing heavily on my mind today.

Watching the inauguration ceremonies since about 9:00 this morning... I don't think anything has ever moved me so much in my life. I am just completely overcome by the significance of this day. I can't stop crying...

And I thought I had nothing left to say...

I spent 10 years of my life in an abusive relationship. In August of 2002 I found myself laying helpless on the basement floor with my husband on top of me, strangling me, believing my life was about to end. There was no one to help me, no one to call out to, not even my loyal pit bull could save me, as she was safely locked in her pin just a foot or two away… going crazy trying to get out to protect me. And then I heard the screams. They came from above, from the basement stairs. They came from my son. He was 5… a few months shy of his 6th birthday. My son saved my life that night; something that neither one of us has never forgotten. It changed us both… forever.

It’s been 6 & ½ years now since that terrifying experience. My son & I now live on our own & have made huge steps to repair the damage done, but I fear there are some things that can never be fully repaired. A light went out in my child that night & he will never ever be the same again. I will never know who he could or would have been had he not experienced such trauma. I will forever carry with me a sense of shame & guilt for not better protecting him. For not leaving sooner. It’s not as though there was no warning. Hell, even my friends saw it… but they never said anything to me. Never told me of their fears.

Now I find myself on the outside looking in, as I watch a good friend enter – for the fourth time – into a relationship with a man who makes every hair on my body stand on end. He radiates this vibe of, “One day I’m gonna beat the shit outta this pretty little lady if she don’t keep herself in check.” Yeah. One of those. He’s the type that gives the word “redneck” a bad name. The full on white trash, beer guzzlin’, car racin’, slap my woman on the ass & she’d better have dinner ready & cold beer waitin’ kinda guy. And he’s slowly breakin’ one of the strongest women I’ve ever known.

My friend is a beautiful, intelligent, courageous woman who has faced down her own demons & come out on top time & time again. She has been kickin’ ass & takin’ names for as long as I’ve known her. Seeing her now giving in to this man & allowing him to treat her with such disrespect just makes me physically ill.

To the best of my knowledge he has not been physically abusive toward her, but I know in my heart that it’s only a matter of time. He fits the M.O. To a tee. Right now he is isolating her, making her dependent on him, telling her all of her friends hate him & how that’s so disrespectful to her & we’re leaving her out because we refuse to hang out with him. He’s setting her up to start questioning our loyalties. She needs someone close right now. She’s currently facing some very difficult things in her life & he is the one she is turning to because he is the one there all the time… leaving his clothes on the floor for her to wash, needing her to take care of him & feed him (making her feel useful & like he needs her as much as she needs him), & keeping her supplied with the cigarettes she can’t afford to buy.

I know that something has to be done. But what can I do? I can try to talk to her, but I’m not so sure she’ll listen… & that only feeds into his already established routine of isolating her from her friends because (as he will tell her) we are so selfish & don’t want her to be happy… with him. Were it just her, perhaps I would leave well enough alone & let her make her own mistake, but it’s not. She has a daughter. A willful, stubborn, strong daughter who doesn’t like to keep her mouth shut & speaks her own mind. Like mother, like daughter. He doesn’t like that. So he yells at the girl & has gone as far as to tell his own brother that he “can’t stand that kid.” I’ve seen him verbally assault her, while at my house months ago, & I told him in no uncertain terms that he would not speak that way to any kid in my house… especially one that wasn’t even his!

6 & ½ years ago I became a statistic, but it could have been worse. I could have been a fatal statistic. Could anyone have prevented it? I don’t really know. Can I prevent my friend from the same fate (or worse)? All I know is that I have to find a way to try…

It takes a village...

Hate to quote Hillary, as I really have no love for the woman, but the saying is not really hers in the first place & it is, after all, quite true.

I have a friend, or rather... had a friend, as he is quite dead to me now due to his inability to respect his fellow humans & their right to life. But that's another story. There was an ongoing conversation between me & this friend, in his saner moments, when we would talk of community & our responsibilities to one another & the communal raising of children, etc. He was much more idealistic in his thoughts on the subject & also a bit more anarchist leaning than I. He would have us all "acquire" some land somewhere, far from the reaches of modern society, & live a communal life much the way many chose to do in the "hippie years" (I use this only for cultural reference, as communal living was certainly not invented by hippies & they were far from doing anything new!). His version of communal living also involved guns & a level of paranoid insanity that tends to naturally come with the territory when discussing moving off to the outskirts of the world & creating one's own society. I've never understood that lifestyle &, frankly, it disturbs me more than a little.

My version of this communal living was a bit more modern &, in fact, something I feel I have naturally cultivated throughout the years in my various locations, especially since having children. And it is something that I am most certainly living today.

I live in central Austin, in an area that some find a bit undesirable, ironically nestled amongst some of the most sought after & desirable homes in town. It's not a bad area, by any means, but our homes are old & not well maintained & lack some of the more desired amenities (central air, heat, proper insulation). Our rent is cheap & our landlords let us slide on months when money is tight & we have to pay late, so in the end we tolerate the downsides. Those of us living in this 'hood tend to all be industrious types who are quite adaptable & have all made our own "improvements" to our homes in order to make them more livable. And we've all, for the most part, naturally fallen into a pattern of communal living with one another in an effort to make life easier for us all.

I am a single mom. Everyone on the block, even the business owners on our strip, know my children & know where they belong. They look out for them. I feel safe letting them walk around or skateboard or ride their bikes. A couple doors down from me lives another single mom, with a a couple of roommates, & recently she started dating another friend of mine, also from the 'hood, who has 2 kids of his own. We all have our own things to bring to the table... she has a car, for instance, & can help us run errands in exchange for gas money or watching her kid. I have a washer & dryer that I gladly share. On weekends we usually have the kids running house to house & eating wherever they end up. Evenings usually see us cooking up large meals at one house or another & sharing with each other. When my plumbing was messed up & being fixed for 2 days, they opened their restroom to us (thank god!) & when they had money issues & had to go without gas for a little while, I gladly let them come over to shower.

I live in the kind of neighbourhood where people are always around - walking, sitting on their porch, etc. I know that I am safe here because I know that they all have my back. We have each others' backs. We live as a community & take a degree of responsibility for one another &, especially, for the children, yet we also live as individuals & respect one another's need for privacy & individualism.

At times I think of leaving, moving to a house with central air & heat, one where landlords respond to maintenance requests & I don't have to worry about covering my windows with plastic tarping every winter to keep out the draft or make sure to turn off the oil heaters in the living room before running the microwave or drying my hair, so as not to trip the breaker. I think about how nice it would be to have my own bedroom & enough closet space... & then I think of all the things I would be giving up. Of how secluded I would feel & how I am unlikely to find a similar community in another area because this community was, in essence, born of necessity & would likely cease to exist in an area where all needs were met within the 4 confining walls of a well heated home.

This is my village. My modern-day commune. And I think I kinda like it here.

I am just a girl in a lonely world, waking up to find that I have woken up too late. Too late to take that drive. Too late to change the past. Too late to make them see me for who I really am. Too late to prove my love. Too late to prove my worth. Too late for Cat Heaven... drive, Captain, drive...

I am just a girl living as I can - moment to moment - holding on for dear life. Never knowing which way the wind will blow me. Never knowing where the tide will carry me. Forgive me my insolence and stupidity. I mean not half of what I say. I was born without that internal mechanism, the one that allows you to reason with yourself before you speak, before you jump... Before you destroy entire lives, entire worlds - yours, mine - with just one word, one action, one thoughtless gesture which meant nothing to me, but everything to you.

I am just a girl searching desperately for a way to turn back time (or perhaps erase it). A way to undo the horrors of the past and step out of the shadows of the emptiness I have created. A way to let go of the life I have lost. The love I can't shake. The dreams that won't die.

I am just a girl... nothing more... nothing less... longing to simply be free.

“The mind is its own place, and in it self can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.”
~John Milton, Paradise Lost



Yep.

The fucking beer is fucking flat

Until I come up with a better use for this space... have some random musings & poetry... some by me, some by others... & some in video format!




I fucking love John Cooper Clarke

Oh I am twisting and turning
Can't think straight
Old familiar feelings scratching at my brain
Hurling straight towards what the fuck
Laughing all the while
Does this smile on my face hide the truth?



I really do not know what the hell that was. I thought I would try to write, but apparently I just don't have it in me right now. I really am beginning to think that I have lost my edge when it comes to writing. Maybe I'm just not that inspired anymore. Or, even worse, maybe I never really was & I'm just remembering my "talents" more fondly than I should. Who knows.

Beginning to wonder if I should delete this blog... or convert it to something else. I've often thought of using this space for political or religious writings... or... something... anything a little more thought provoking than the random shit I've been using it for. Then again, I wonder if I can still write anything the way I used to.

I really need to find that part of me again. I really miss writing. My brain just seems to be too clouded by life & crap I would rather no longer think or care about these days. C'est la vie, huh?