white dress hanging from the door... diamond ring hanging from my neck... broken heart hanging in my chest... what a sad little scene it paints in your head... an image of me in a love that is dead... a life i have lost... your freedom, at what cost... my soul crying out... my mind filled with doubt... your words cut like knives... you've destroyed both our lives... if you're hurting just like me... why not set us free...

come back... start over... begin anew...

lights are too bright
teevee too loud
dull ache at the back of my brain
fucking hell, but my mouth is dry!
dreams come eventually
but never soon enough

random images intermingled with thoughts of today & tomorrow & the tomorrow after that
random people intermingled with the people of yesterday & the yesterday before that
random husbands intermingled with random fiance & reality becomes a blur
and reality becomes a whore
and reality becomes undone

the incessant ringing of the fucking alarm
jolts me from some nightmarish fantasy
and once again i am alone
and once again the day begins anew
anew but the same
the same but different
one step closer
one step further
am i moving forward or back?
i am confused

what was that?
it's only a dream?
yeah... & so were you...

And when you said the word forever it hung there in the room like the smell of rotting fish in that damn market in Seattle. The one she took me to, years before you, years before y'all. Years before us. I play out this little drama time & time again, over & over, changing this word & that... this look... that touch... he said, she said... you fucked, I sucked.... the life outta you... or so you say.

And I open my mouth but the words are stuck & all that comes out is this foreign howl like some kinda beast trapped deep down inside. Some kinda beast fighting to be freed. And everything I want to say & everything I want to do is buried by emotions & silenced by the howls.... & the whimpers... & the growls.

I fell apart, but you ran away. I screamed & fought... shouted like a spoiled child... or was it a wounded beast, I don't remember anymore. You fled the scene... like a frightened little bitch. Backbone deserted you? Or was it ever there? I don't remember anymore.

I trace lines in my flesh
Marking time on my body
Releasing anger
Regaining control...


I can't seem to finish this. I keep trying, but can't finish it. I think I have lost my ability to write. Go figure. Comes with the territory these days. Am I truly destined to just grow ignorant & useless as I age? I'll be 34 in a couple of months. That doesn't seem old to me... but my mind & my body are trying to tell me otherwise.

I was supposed to be so much more. I was supposed to have accomplished something by now. All I have managed to do is rack up $40,000 in student loan debt & don't even have a damn degree to show for it. I feel like I'm going to be stuck working as a medical admin for the rest of my life &, although I know everyone thinks I sound pompous & stuck up when I say this... I'm better than that! Maybe that's not the right way to say it. I just mean that I was supposed to do so much more. I was supposed to be so much more. Sometimes I just feel like such a failure. Sometimes I feel like my fiance will regret marrying me. Why would he even want to marry me? What's here worth marrying?


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