One of my dearest & closest friends is going through something that I have only recently overcome myself. Overcome? Moved past? Hmmm... not sure either of those are truly accurate. I think perhaps I'm just now in a different phase of it, because I'm not so sure it will ever end. Either way... seeing her suffering & reading her thoughts in her blog hurts me because I understand so well & hate that she is there now. At the same time, I almost think it is a good thing for me to see this. It's a reminder. And one I so desperately need right now.

It is ok for me to forgive you for all that happened, all that was said, all that was done & hidden. Forgiveness must happen if we are ever to move forward... be it together or separate... but I cannot allow myself to forget how I felt. Some part of me MUST hold on to that memory because that is what propels me forward & pushes me to become the person I am becoming. And that is what reminds me that I cannot & will not allow you or anyone else to ever break me like that again.

Is it ok for me to really be considering a life with you again? Is it ok for me to be letting my mind wander back into that fairy tale fantasy? I'm so fucking nervous about our meeting today. I want to see you. I am happy & so anxious to just see you & talk to you & be able to look into your eyes. But I am also so nervous & afraid of what will be said. Will I get the answers I want, or just be left with more questions? Again.

I just want all of this to be over with. I'm tired of living my life in limbo. I need to either more forward WITH you or let you go for good & move forward on my own. Period.

I hate to see you hurt like this. You of all people. Not really sure why that is. Never the less, I really hate knowing that you're hurting. And believe me, I know how you hurt. I know the anger & the confusion & the loneliness. I know the feeling of absolute certainty that you will never feel that way about anyone else again. I wish I could tell you that you will get over it & that there is someone else for you, but I am most definitely the wrong person for that job.

I would give anything to be able to fix all of this for you & give you back your husband... the one you actually wanted, not the one who walked out the door. But I can't do that. I really can't do much. All I can do is tell you that I truly understand all the fucked up emotions you're going through. I can also go do ridiculous things with you... skee ball, movies, finding new bars... whatever you want. In fact, I'm beginning to realize more & more that you're not the only one who needs these distractions. Getting out is good for me too.

Process/shun

Daydreams of sunshine shimmer to fade
Find me drifting on clouds made of ash
And lost love
Awake to a new dream; summer lost
Meadows glisten with tears of cats
Diamonds turn gray and meaningless
Breeze begins to cool
Leaves begin to fade
Bring the music... Bring the dust
Circle and stomp
The anticipation drains us
Colder now
Darker now
This is how the light finds me
Life finds me
Spinning through freezing
Flying through darkness
Returning to the beginning
It's time to start... again

Oh I have so much to say... Only not just yet.

Soon. Very soon.

Yep, that fits perfectly

"The Layers"


I have walked through many lives,
some of them my own,
and I am not who I was,
though some principle of being
abides, from which I struggle
not to stray.
When I look behind,
as I am compelled to look
before I can gather strength
to proceed on my journey,
I see the milestones dwindling
toward the horizon
and the slow fires trailing
from the abandoned camp_sites,
over which scavenger angels
wheel on heavy wings.
Oh, I have made myself a tribe
out of my true affections,
and my tribe is scattered!
How shall the heart be reconciled
to its feast of losses?
In a rising wind
the manic dust of my friends,
those who fell along the way,
bitterly stings my face.
Yet I turn, I turn,
exulting somewhat,
with my will intact to go
wherever I need to go,
and every stone on the road
precious to me.
In my darkest night,
when the moon was covered
and I roamed through wreckage,
a nimbus-clouded voice
directed me:
"Live in the layers,
not on the litter."
Though I lack the art
to decipher it,
no doubt the next chapter
in my book of transformations
is already written.
I am not done with my changes.

~Stanley Kunitz

Attention People in Bands....

I just gotta throw this out there because, dammit... I'm really annoyed right now. And I said this wasn't going to be the purpose of this blog (to rant), but apparently some people are stupid & the word needs to get around!

We all know I love live music & supporting my local scene & bands need to practice & god knows I encourage my boys to play their guitars whenever they can... but there is such thing as common sense & courtesy. In other words... if you're in a band & you don't have adequate practice space & therefore you do things like practice out of your home... just have a little respect. That's all I'm asking.

Don't practice with your amps cranked as high as they'll go at 10:30 at night, especially on a Sunday. Especially when you know your neighbours on either side of you have regular M-F, 8-5 jobs AND there's a kid trying to sleep so he can get up for school in the morning.

And when I try to knock on your door to tell you it's too loud & you don't answer so I end up calling the damn cops... don't act like I'm a bitch. I'm not a bitch, you're just stupid! Get over it & learn a little respect. Or better yet... each of you can pitch in a couple bucks & rent space at Music Lab. It's fucking cheap. Look it up.

enraptured
enchanted
enthralled
intoxicated
addicted

...all good words...