One of my dearest & closest friends is going through something that I have only recently overcome myself. Overcome? Moved past? Hmmm... not sure either of those are truly accurate. I think perhaps I'm just now in a different phase of it, because I'm not so sure it will ever end. Either way... seeing her suffering & reading her thoughts in her blog hurts me because I understand so well & hate that she is there now. At the same time, I almost think it is a good thing for me to see this. It's a reminder. And one I so desperately need right now.

It is ok for me to forgive you for all that happened, all that was said, all that was done & hidden. Forgiveness must happen if we are ever to move forward... be it together or separate... but I cannot allow myself to forget how I felt. Some part of me MUST hold on to that memory because that is what propels me forward & pushes me to become the person I am becoming. And that is what reminds me that I cannot & will not allow you or anyone else to ever break me like that again.

Is it ok for me to really be considering a life with you again? Is it ok for me to be letting my mind wander back into that fairy tale fantasy? I'm so fucking nervous about our meeting today. I want to see you. I am happy & so anxious to just see you & talk to you & be able to look into your eyes. But I am also so nervous & afraid of what will be said. Will I get the answers I want, or just be left with more questions? Again.

I just want all of this to be over with. I'm tired of living my life in limbo. I need to either more forward WITH you or let you go for good & move forward on my own. Period.